Teetering

So.... Night before last, darling husband had an intervention with me. He made me admit that I'm having a lot of problems, and they aren't getting fixed on their own. He said I needed to try therapy. So, I did. I went the first time yesterday. It was hard. I cried so much leading up to it, my anxiety levels were through the roof. I get there, and I'm incredibly nervous and on edge. Then, the secretary asks who I'm married to as we share a last name. I tell her. She knows who he is. the therapist also knows him. They work together on cases. My panic level hits a new high, and it's all I can do to not hyperventilate. I know he's required by law to keep all information to himself, but still. He knows him. He will see him, and he'll know the things I've shared and he'll look at him knowing this. Is my husband a bad person? No, obviously not. But still. I wonder if the trust has been shattered before it has had time to even sprout. I want to vomit. I don't know if I can do this. I have to call to make an appt to take a personality test (the MMPI of course), and he really wants to send me to a psychiatrist to make sure I'm on the right medicines. This is pushing me so close to a complete breakdown. I can feel it. I can barely eat. I am shaky and off balance and I want to run away or throw up.

Springing through the weekend

It's been a good past couple of weeks. I've been busy revamping my gardens, planting herbs and my first veggies, and working on converting my previously full sun garden to a full shade garden. This wasn't my original plan, but trees have grown to a point to where it's made it a perfect shady corner garden. Except for the early morning hours, it is in full shade the entire day. Very relaxing indeed.  My little bear went with my in laws yesterday evening, and is spending the weekend with them. It's nice. I refuse to feel guilty because he stays over with people on average once a month. I refuse to feel guilty for having weekly or every other week date nights sans the peej. If little PJ's parents have any hope of a long lasting and happy marraige, then he'll have to have some overnights and babysitter nights. Plus, his babysitter and her backup are both cousins. One I babysat myself when she was his age. Ahh the circles that are always turning in our lives.  And he only stays over with my sister or one of his many sets of grandparents. It's all good. He loves it. I enjoy the break from 24/7 toddlerdom.  When I go back outside, I'm going to take some pictures of my garden areas and post on here. So far, this blog has been very wordy and not very pic friendly. 

I 'get' to go to the doctor on Monday. I'm not excited about it, but I am eagerly anticipating it. I've been experiencing fatigue a lot since having PJ. I understand some as a result of the different life, but on bad days, I wake exhausted, nap when he naps, still wake tired, and spend the entire day counting the minutes till bedtime.  I'm tired of being tired.  Hopefully he'll be able to figure out whats going on. I thought initially it was from breastfeeding him and waking at night with a baby. But then he started sleeping at night. And then he eventually weaned. So then I thought it was because I'd become too sedentary, so I became more active. But that doesn't help whatsoever. Perhaps anemic? Took iron pills, and they helped. But if I missed a day, the fatigue was right back where it started, not to mention I took them for the better part of 3 months with no real sign of them really helping a lot.  I currently live on caffeine.  My average day sees around 2 cups of coffee and 2 cokes. Bad days will see around 3-4 sodas and at least 3 cups of coffee. Obviously all the soda and coffee fills me up, so I really don't eat much.  Sometimes I'll munch for lunch and I usually eat dinner of some sort.  Today I had some leftover dessert from our date last night for brunch.

Enough for today. Perhaps a nap is in order. At the very least, Jane Austen is calling my name. It's the perfect weather for some old fashioned romance.

Springtime

It's been a fun week. I don't really miss facebook much, surprisingly, although sometimes I wonder what's going on in there. I can't believe how much time I have with myself now that I'm not hanging out online playing the games and whatnot all day.  Of course it's a boon that we're finally getting some nice and warm weather.  Darling PJ and I have been spending a lot of time out and about, and of course we both like that. 

He truly is a gift from God. Yesterday afternoon, he took part of his nap in my lap. I took a break from reading Mansfield Park to admire his features.  It's amazing that he started from nothing basically.  It's so miraculous that he grew from just one egg and one sperm, and grew perfectly and with no defects.  I thought of how small he was when he was born. He was 19" long and 6 pounds, 13 ounces. At his 15 month checkup last month, he was 31" tall and 24 pounds, 6 ounces.  It's so hard to wrap your mind around it, that we are capable of creating and growing little people that then will grow and learn and mature into adults who create and grow their own little people. Every day is a new adventure. I can truly say that with him around, every day truly is a new day. Every meal is the best meal. Every activity is the most fun activity ever.  Having him has helped me in ways I never knew he could.  He is the lighthouse in my sea of emotions, giving me a steady place to focus on.  When I feel myself sinking down, I focus more on him and his little mini discoveries and it brightens my day. 

Enough of that.  Suffice it to say I'm constantly wondering how I could make such a perfect little creature

Today promises to be another wonderful day.  We are going with a friend and her little boy to town. A certain little Peej needs some new shoes. :)

Hi. My name is Samantha, and...

I'm addicted to Facebook.

Yep. Pretty pathetic huh? It's true though.  I found myself connected to FB in one way or another pretty much from the moment I woke up till the second I dozed off. I posted status updates, wrote on walls, commented, uploaded links, videos and pics, chatted with friends, participated in groups, played games. I ignored the love of my life and my baby boy, I neglected to go out and run errands, and I hid from the world.  Facebook is so addictive to begin with. And when you don't want to participate in reality, it beckons so alluringly to you.  "Come here, Samantha! you can play our super fun games! You can meet all sorts of people that are nice to you! Everyone will like your pictures and everyone will be soooo concerned and interested in all your activities!"  For the record, I never just added random people.  I do have a collection of online friends that were gained from a pregnancy message board I participated in while .. well.. pregnant.  But that's about it.

Hubby has complained of the problem for a while.  But I pushed it off, and ignored it as the nagging of a cranky husband.  Then I started to think maybe I did have a problem. Maybe he was right, and I HAD gotten sucked into facebookland.  But that's idiotic. Who actually gets obsessed with it? geez.  Then, we got a phone call from a bill collector about a bill I'd forgotten to pay. Why had I forgotten to pay it? Well, the day I intended to, the weather was icky and I didn't want to get out in rain with the toddler.  So I set the cash aside, fully planning to do it 'later'. And got back on facebook. And never did it. *sigh* Luckily it wasn't so bad that it impacted anything except make him incredibly pissed at me.  And made me realize he was... right.

Really? I hate when he's right!!!  So, I sat down and made a decision on the spot. Those are the ones I'm best at.  I temporarily deactivated my facebook account. I took just enough time to change admins on a few groups so they wouldn't be affected by this, and asked one of my best friends to convey a message to the group I populated the most and deactivated it.  We talked. We talked, I cried, we talked more, I cried a lot more.  We decided I needed a detox from the facebook world for a couple weeks, and would slowly try to work back into it, but only use it in moderation.

M O D E R A T I O N

Well, today is day 3. And it sucks. I miss FB, I miss my friends, and I miss the constant diversions.  I also confess that my feelings are a bit hurt. Why? Well, I foolishly thought that a lot of those fb friends, primarily the ones from my old message board, were... well I guess that I thought we were really friends.  That's how pathetic it had gotten. So far, I've had a couple stay in contact through other measures, txt and yahoo im, but that's it.  In fact, it's like 4-6. One I never even considered would stop talking to me. We're pretty inseparable, despite the distance between our homes. And you know, even though I know it's silly, I feel forgotten. I know that it's nothing so personal as that. But that's how I feel.  I was sooo well loved and soooo super cool and sooo sought after for advice and sooo supportive while I was there participating. But now? eh. Time to move on.

So that's the long and short of it. I could have been addicted to alcohol or crack cocaine or any number of things, but I chose the lame way out. haha. :(